Hey guys!
I know, it's hereee! Okay, warning: from this chapter on, more sexual and dramatic things will happen. Also, the chapters will start to gradually get longer. Also, people keep asking me if I'm making the corrections the the critiques are giving me. That's a yes and a no. What I'm doing is leaving them be so I can get as much corrections as possible, and on another draft on my computer I'm editing them. Then, when the whole story is revised and edited, I'm posting it in the novel section of the website.
'Was it eggs? No. Sausage? Nah.' My mind was racing, wondering what the smell was. I was alseep in my bed until a delicious sent inflated my nostrils. I opened my sleepy eyes and looked around weerily. I plopped myself up on my elbows, yawning.
"'Ay, sleepyhead!" I looked over at Carly who was bobby pinning her bangs back to match her short pony tail. She was starring back at me through the mirror's reflection. "Aaron's making breakfast but Brad, Mia, Steven, Jessica, and I are all going out for breakfast. Later, we're all going to this huge beach party. Want to come?" She asked, dropping her hands to her side and turning to me.
"Um... no. I can't. I have to work on spring break homework today." I said, swinging my legs around the side of the bed.
"Ew." Carly replied as she walked over to grab her purse off of the nightable in between our beds. "Well, I'm out." She said as she head back over to the mirror to fix her hair, then headed down the hallway. "Bye!" I heard her call out before closing the door.
I rose from the bed and padded into the kitchen, my stomach growling for some of the delicious food. I peered behind Aaron's back to see him pushing around a sauce pan.
"You're finally up?" He asked, his voice turning butterflies in my stomach. He reached over for some salt and dabbed it in the pan.
"Hey! How'd you know I was here?" I asked, hauling myself up ontop the counter.
"I could feel you breathing down my neck. Practically drooling." He flipped what was ever in the pan around with a spatula. "Could you hand me that plate?" He asked, indicating the plate that sat on the other side of me. I handed it to him and he scooped the interesting food onto it. "Here, have some." He handed it to me.
"It smells delicious, but what is it?" I asked as I looked down at the plate that was shoved underr my nose.
"To tell you the truth, it doesn't have a name. My grandmother taught me it when I spent a summer with her in Italy." Aaron explained as he cleaned up.
I nodded and took a bite. It was absolutely devine. There were varaties of flavors: egg, vegitables, sauces, it was all amazing. A fatal "mmm" escaped my lips. Aaron smiled up at me while pulling up his pants,
"Glad you like it."
*
Carly stared as Jessica and Steve continued to mingle in the booth of the Breakfast-Corner. She looked at her watch and then around the diner, growing more and more impatient at Brad's where-abouts.
Carly looked over at Mia, watching as she chated away on the phone with Kevin, her boyfriend.
"Carly, Where's Brad?" Jessica asked as she continued to mingle with Steve. Carly placed a hand under her chin and sighed, "I don't know."
"He's twenty-five minutes late!" Mia stated.
"Way to point out the obvious. Sherlock Holmes!" Carly spat back, rolling her eyes in annoyance.
*
I stared at the numbers, letters, shapes, and symbols long enough. "Ugh! I have trigiometry!" I groaned, throwing my pencil on the ground. I fell back on the carpet that matched the cream colored walls.
"You know, trig' really isn't that hard." I raised my head to see Aaron leant against Brad and Carly's bed. His hand moved extremely fast as he solved the problems easily. I hoisted myself up on my elbows and rose an eyebrow. I saw Aaron's fierce writing stop and raise his head to look at me, "What?"
"Dude, you're in honors. Of course trigiometry isn't hard for you!" I laughed, sitting up to lean against our bed. I grabbed the remote from the bed and turned on the T.V.
"What are you doing?" I heard Aaron ask.
"Losing myself in complete oblivian. You?" I remarked, sarcasm dripping from every word.
"You know, that's just another distraction to getting this done." He spoke with a matter-of-factly tone.
I chuckled in responce, "Yeah. That's the point." I finally settled on some movie that took place in the 80s.
"It's not exactly good." He scratched a spot behind his ear.
I took my eyes off the screen to glare at him, "Do you ever take risks?"
Aarons expression was a cute-confused one as he asked, "How is distraction a risk?"
"By getting a low grade on your trigiometry homework because you were too distracted." I smiled. Aaron looked down at his homework, then back up at me.
"I never really had the choice." He said quietly.
I smirked, "Mommy and Daddy aren't here." Aaron smiled at me and then shoved his homework under the bed.
*
"Where are you?" Carly demanded into the phone as she walked out of the Breakfast-Corner diner.
"Hey, baby! Sorry, I got lost downtown. I'm sorry that I missed breakfast!" Brad shouted into the phone. Carly rolled her eyes.
"Okay, whatever! I'll see you at the party, I love you!"
"Yeah, yeah, bye!" Brad quickly said and then clicked off. Carly looked at the phone, confused about Brad's behaivor.
Brad shut his phone and then looked down at the pretty blonde that wrapped her arms around his abdomen. She snuggled closely, her blue eyes half filtered open. "I have to go." Brad whispered into her hair, removing her arms from his waist. He heard a few mummbles, but just kissed her fourhead and walked out of the bar. As soon as he hit the streets, he felt a strong pain burst in his chest.
*
Aaron laughed his cute bellylaugh as he waited, "Come on!" He urged.
"Okay! Okay!" I giggled. Him and I sat criss crossed in front of each other. I got up to walk out onto the balcony. "Hey!" I screamed out. A few cute skateboarders stopped and teen girls' heads swirled. I turned and laughed, "Do I have to?" I asked Aaron.
"Yes!" He laughed out.
I turned to face the waiting pedestrians. I squeezed my eyes shut and lifted my shirt to flash all of the boardwalk. I pulled my shirt down and ran back inside. From outside, I heard numerous whistles and laughs. I looked at Aaron who was on his back, laughing extremely hard.
"Oh my god." He chuckled. He sat up and whiped a tear from his eye, "I didn't think you'd do it!"
I giggled, "Alright, truth or dare?" Even though it was childish, sitting in a hotel room with Aaron playing truth or dare made my heart warm.
"Deffinitly truth." Aaron responded, still chuckling.
I reached for a little yellow truth card and read it. After watching two movies and attempting to teach my how to cook, Aaron and I got bored and walked down to check out the hotel stores. We each baught a few things for ourselves, then Aaron found these 'Deeply, Embarrasing Truth or Dare' cards. For the past fifteen minutes, we sat across from each other in front of the beds playing.
"'If you could do one thing that would change your life right now, what would it be?'" I read aloud. "Besides flashing Miami." I added teasingly. Aaron chuckled for a second, but his face soon grew into a serious, deep thought one.
"Could that turn into a dare?" He asked, looking at me with sedusive eyes.
"What do you mean?" I looked down at the card. I heard some shuffling and looked back up. Aaron was sitting right next to me, leaning forward. Then, in one swift motion, his hands slid around my waist and his lips collided with mine.
End of chapter
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We. :D
You don't need to repeat the word breakfast here, you can stop at out. It also sounds more like something a person would actually say. It's really awkward to talk repetitively, I don't know why characters like to do it...
You had some punctuation errors with your dialogue here. Whenever a dialogue is followed by something like "he said, she said" whatever the words are should be followed with a comma. If the words are followed by description, then you use a period. Like so:
"Yay! I love dialogue," he said.
"I hate it." I closed the book and threw it at a wall.
I think you meant "hate".
_________________________
For some reason, I'm really beginning to dislike the portions in third person. I think the story would flow better if you kept it all in one POV. Either stick to third and tell everything, or stay in Evie's perspective and let it all unravel as it happens to her. For some reason, the best stories (in my opinion) are the ones that take you into a characters life in a way that makes it feel as if you are the character, and when it switches tenses like that, it's hard to fully involve yourself in the characters and what's going on. I don't know, I also would like the suspense of it all, it would just add another layer to the story.
Overall, good work. I continue on with high expectations, and you deliver :D
Keep it up, kidd :D
-JC
Oh don't worry I'm not!
I'm actually writing some of Chapter 7 right now.
I plan on have between 12-16 chapters of this story so it's no where
near finished yet!:D
Ahh! Where's the next chapter? You can't leave me hangin' like that! I just sat at my computer for almost and hour and read all of the chapters and you end it like that? Jeeze! I have to read more. Will you pm me when you get the next chapter? Please? Awesome job.
It was awesome! I noticed a few grammatical errors but that was it:
The sentence just doesn't seem to flow. Maybe try taking out the 'ever'?A semi-colon might work better after sauces and I think you misspelled vegetables but I can't spell it right either.
Capitalize the M in "Mmm" and maybe add an eclipse. (I probably spelled that wrong. The ... thing)
A period instead of a comma.
Chatted is two t's.
The W doesn't need to be capitalized.
Comma after 'obvious.'
'in annoyance' isn't nessecary. You can already tell she's annoyed by saying that she's rolling her eyes.
No apostophe.
'Leant' should be 'lean'.
I think you misspelled oblivion but I could be wrong.
Response in spelled wrong and you don't need a comma after it.
Apostophe between 0 and S.
Mumbles is misspelled.
Can't think of a correction for 'Him and I'
Misspelled 'whipped'
Bought is misspelled.
It was a good story. Now I'll have to read the other previous chapters. Can't wait to read more.
-Al